today is a day filled with some worry, even though God is in control. and i hate that i'm worrying. again, how can you say "God has provided\will continue to provide" and worry at the same time?

in my last post, i had mentioned that my entire career is because of God. now, anyone with any faith will agree to this, but i'd like to explain why i'm posting about it today. you see, i never finished college.

I graduated in the top 30 of my high school (out of 300+ students), and did what everyone does - heads off to college. i was accepted into uconn's school of engineering, but never really felt "ready". i had "branched" my first two years (attended uconn's satellite sites), to save money and stay close to home. but everything went downhill during my first semester on campus, in storrs. i just wasn't ready - emotionally, intellectually, ... i was a square peg in a round hole. now, you throw in a person whose highly empathetic, but unaware of it so i just come across as "highly emotional", and i didn't have a chance. i "felt" too much, and didn't have a clue on what to do with any of it. i was in a relationship during all of this and it was obvious that everything i thought i had "under control" all came crashing down at once - life, school, the girl... boom.

it goes without saying that i really didn't have a relationship with God through any of this - i was young and thought i had the world in the palm of my hand, like most people probably think... i was also raised catholic so if there was any relationship, it was pretty weak.

after 3-4 yrs of part-time work, God gave me an opportunity to code for a property management company, where i'd like to think i did well - i learned over the next 6 years, creating code that did the job above & beyond expectation - everyone was happy, my boss, the people using my code, but most importantly, me.

the year 2000 just happens, and i find myself in my boss' office, where he explains they lost some accounts and can't afford to keep me around any longer. i won't lie - i've never been laid off so i thought he was joking. i spent the next 5 months looking for a job. i'll admit - i thought "hey! i'm a programmer - this shouldn't be hard!", only to be proven wrong for what was to be the most painful 5 months of my life.

i write horrible resumes. i interview horribly as well. give me the task and i will "wow" you... unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. i went on a couple of interviews where i just unknowingly tanked them... it was bad.

by month #5, i was offered a helpdesk job, which sucks but i was desperate for work and money, so i happily accepted it. i was good with this job - my ticket counts were always high, with a strong resolution percentage. it didn't matter to me that this job was a 45min drive (one direction) every day. that job led to more openings, thru the 2nd level helpdesk, into a junior wintel admin position. here, i thought i made it. racking & building servers, i even was able to jump back into coding to collect server info. normally, this would take 30-60min to collect manually, but my code did it all for me in 5min.

life wasn't perfect, but i was happy - my boss was a control-freaked monster, and i soon learned to watch myself around them. 2 years later, i moved onto my new dream job - server automation and data transfer. this is where i had thought i had really made it! CIS & SOX compliance... server inventory, from apps, to id's, to settings, ... everything really. it was all under my control.

you also have to understand that, although i was somewhat familiar with wintel servers, they taught me how to become a wintel admin, along with a server automation and data transfer admin! i was learning on the job, and people were pleased! my love at the time was server automation, since coding and problem-resolution was where my skill lied... and i walked into a mess, only to emerge from a more structured, better-looking (and less of a) mess - my crown of achievement at the time was - when i had started this position, the servers were 60-70% CIS compliant. it was ugly. 4 months later, we were in the low 90's! i am proud of this achievement... I worked on a team, but there were a couple of years where i was running both positions alone. I really couldn't take vacations (or die... my manager's joke, but he meant it). i felt secure and wanted, all whilst getting paid. I was using my coding experience from the property mgmt job with this job, making my reports & data that much more useful and impactful. my program collected the data, but my coding made that data easily available and more useful bc of my coding experience.

pls understand that i was making garbage when compared to others who did my job. but i wrote it off as "they're paying you to learn" but left it there, unfortunately. i was making 30% less of what others were making, but i was just happy to have a job... "don't rock the boat"/"don't risk anything" type of mentality...

the data transfer position was not as important to me. it was simple stuff - data transfer - make sure that the file gets from "a" to "b" securely. it wasn't until after a bad audit, the account i was working for, got rid of the server automation software, and i was lucky to still have data transfer. we took on a new coding component and this is when my interest in data transfer brought joy back into my heart.

coding.

coding was where it had all started. problems are presented to me and i resolve them with code, this problem-solving jumble of words that i had put together! this coding component is what i needed, and God knew it. it reinvigorated my desire to work, but opened up the doors for my future.

2019 - i'm asked to apply for a contracting position with an insurance company. they use the same data transfer software that i had been using for the past 11yrs (at that moment), and were looking for someone who knew their stuff (me). it was a contract for 1yr, so i had to really think about it... what will you when the year's up? yes, they'll be paying you 67% more money than what you're currently making... that could close out a lot of your debt, and offer you more opportunities with your son... but what happens at the end of the year?

i interviewed, and i just thank God that it was with my future manager, at the time. it wasn't about psychological questions on how you resolve problems, but a straight up technical interview! in that situation, i rocked it (all glory to God)! i answered his questions, but also asked about the team's current practice, and what they are & aren't using... and offered ideas on how to streamline and improve those practices.

after so many sent resumes in my life, after hearing "no" or even not hearing anything back, i was blessed when i got the offer 3-4 hours later!! it didn't matter that i had to drive 90min one way, every day, to a place where i really didn't need to be, since everything i did could've been done remotely. i did my 13hr days happily, loving my new job, paycheck and self-worth.

All of this is God. i keep saying that because

i was making 6 figures, with no college degree, and loving my job, because of God's blessings. my entire professional career... my entire life was due to God's blessings... my son is an absolute blessing...

the more i realize what God has done for me, the more i love & appreciate Him. what & how he's provided for me, i can never re-pay. so i feel like a hypocrite when i worry about getting a new job... when i look thru job postings and see jobs that i can somewhat do, i just don't have the "other" knowledge or experience for the rest of the posting... when i've applied to so many positions, only to hear one "we're going with someone else" and two "the posting has been recalled"...

i want to scream! "i want to work! i can do this job, and i can do it well!" and yet no company is listening. i know that God is listening, but... maybe i'm asking for too much.

this isn't really about money. I have some money in the bank, and i'm grateful for unemployment.. i just want to work. i take a job for granted most of the time... "ehhh... it's there today... it'll be there tomorrow..." until it's not.

what sucks is that i know how this will end - amazingly and with me praising God. praising Him for the job, and for blessing me with it. and i'm trying to praise Him now for that job, even

A staffing agency just called, looking for someone who does exactly what i do, for a remote job for a NY bank... And they're looking to fill the position quickly... It's not a definite, but a response from someone will put me at ease for the rest of the day...

Thank you, Lord, for your Sovereignty...