I don't know what to say, nor how to put it.

And yet, I don't know what to feel or think right now. Although nothing has changed "outside of me" (with my son, job, friends, ...), I feel alone, which causes me to want to just slip into the background... slip back into 'old habits'. I know that this is wrong, and will only make matters worse... so i'm grateful for that "safety net' but I still feel frustrated.

Despite my struggles with some, I have been trying to look past the hurt, and pray for them - pray for what they say when asked, but also for their hearts. (People's reactions are usually a great indicator of where they are in life, or what they do to "protect" themselves). And it's been working - praying for them with compassion, instead of hurt (I do this when I pray the "God, fix them & make them see their flaws" type of prayer). We are all "broken" and I've been trying to pray for them with more of a Jesus-like mindset:

And it was helping! The dark clouds within my head were lifting and I began to joke around. I was letting go of the fear of slipping into old habits (avoidance, anger, emotion, ...) and began to "see" my confidence in God come back. (God is always there, i'm just the one that keeps moving around, i know...) And then, the devil comes in and pulls the rug out from underneath me.

I smirk because I was expecting this - The devil wants me beaten! I can smirk because there is a sense of self-control that is (for now) preventing me from "reacting" in a way that reminds me of "old Cecil". I smirk because I feel like I know what the devil's doing, and that I can still turn to God.

I struggle because I feel like, although imperfect, I am trying to do what God wants from me. I accept that my life will not be easy... and yet I'm expecting a moment to catch my breath, and struggling because I don't see that happening.

I know that this is an opportunity to wallow in pity & selfishness, so I'll try to keep this on track. God doesn't make mistakes, so I am meant for something. God doesn't hurt me, so my struggles stem from something that He is trying to teach me... and I may not want to learn it right now.

God has done so much for me, I can't even begin to repay Him. So, the last thing I want to do, is wear out on Him. What is it in me that prevents me from "seeing" His daily mercies?

We need mercy because we need forgiveness and help - This will never change. We mess up everyday. And every day, we face things that are bigger than our personal wisdom and strength. So it must be encouraging to know that God's mercy is new every day.

But right now, it's hard to "see" those mercies... it's hard to be encouraged by this. This is probably because I am self-absorbed in my own problems, and am having a hard time seeing past myself.

But God isn't that way, and He doesn't do that. His love & mercies won't ever stop - that has to give you comfort. You don't need to understand what's happened, or how to fix it - You just need to know that things happen that are out of your control, and that it is all ok. It doesn't have to mean anything. You just need to realize that God has given you another day, and it's mercies, so start by replacing your fears or frustrations with gratitude.

Maybe this desire to simply catch my breath, and not getting it, is because I've been causing myself to hyper-ventilate? And God has been there, the entire time, rubbing my back, telling me to just relax...