#NutShot 2017.05.23
I am on day #7 of "24hr dad duty", where I have to drive 35min (one way), twice a day (there-back, there-back), for my son's school, I was stuck in some serious traffic on the way home from his school this morning (pushing the start to my workday back a little *sigh*), got an incoming call from someone who only calls me for only computer help *swipe & send to voicemail*, and even more people fail to understand the strain I'm under, and continue asking me for things... Only for them to become upset with me when I say "not today"... *more sighs*
My friend whose stopped talking to me 5wks ago, finally admitted, a week ago, that we need to talk, but with a 3rd party... Even after pressing, I am waiting for this to happen bc I'm still clueless. I'm sorry but I'm fighting to keep this thought at bay: As if I wasn't worthy of the obvious truth for the first 4wks I'm certainly not worthy of any expediency in resolving this matter after it's been acknowledged by by parties...
#IAmTicked
I am, without any stretch of the imagination, frustrated... In the past,I would've been emotional, angry, mad, belligerent... and that would've happened by day #2. I'm literally on day # 35, with no immediate end in sight, and I am calmly stating that I am frustrated. As if the drama with my friend isn't enough, I feel stretched transparently thin, with more people wanting something from me, another new hand metaphorically grabbing me, and pulling me in a completely new direction.
People are upset with me because I "just can't help them" right now... only to increase my frustration with this moment in my life. I have every right to be frustrated - I am not raising my voice or exerting myself in any other unhealthy way... And yet I am praying to God for forgiveness & peace of mind\heart, and for His Plan to come to fruition. But until then, I feel like the devil delivers a nut shot out of nowhere, after a nut shot out of nowhere...
I have written before that it's ok to question God [link here], yell, scream & vent to Him - He gave us emotions, after all. He can handle our anger, doubt, fear, questions, and grief. But you have to be honest when you share all of this with God. You need to get this off your shoulders... spill your guts... tell Him exactly how you feel: "God, this sucks! I am hurting!"
Job comes to mind...
Job was brutally honest with God:
Also I -- I withhold not my mouth --
I speak in the distress of my spirit,
I talk in the bitterness of my soul. | ||
Job 7:11 [YLT] |
I like the Young's Literal Translation because its a bit more colourful than the normal NIV.
Job continues to unload:
12 Am I the sea, or the monster of the deep, that you put me under guard?
13When I think my bed will comfort me and my couch will ease my complaint,
14even then you frighten me with dreams and terrify me with visions,
15so that I prefer strangling and death, rather than this body of mine.
16I despise my life; I would not live forever. Let me alone; my days have no meaning.
17"What is mankind that you make so much of them, that you give them so much attention,
18that you examine them every morning and test them every moment?
19Will you never look away from me, or let me alone even for an instant?
20If I have sinned, what have I done to you, you who see everything we do?
Why have you made me your target? Have I become a burden to you? | ||
Job 7:12-20 |
Be honest, if someone said that to us, how would you have reacted? For me, it would've taken a boatload of self-control and patience to hear them. I might even take it personally if I was watching out for this person, as God was looking out for Job. But God does understand us and our hurt. Screaming out "GOD, THIS SUCKS!!!" is no surprise to Him. He gave us the capacity to get angry & express our feelings. God gave Job the catharsis to get clean & be healed.
Despite what many people think, the right response to "unexplained tragedy" is not to 'grin & bear it", or pious platitudes, but to be honest with God in re: to your struggles.
Arise, cry out in the night, as the watches of the night begin;
pour out your heart like water in the presence of the Lord. | ||
Lamentations 2:19[a] |
Job questioned God's involvement, but never stopped trusting Him. Did you know that trusting God with your feelings can be the beginning to your act of worship?
At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship | ||
Job 1:20 |
Despite my sun-blocking pile of frustrations, I still firmly believe that God has a Plan, and that I just need to continue waiting it out... *sigh* I remind myself of the times when things looked grim, in the Bible, but God pulls the victory out for His People. I know that the devil has been kicking me in the nuts, again & again, and He just looks like an undefeatable monster. But even after a nut shot, God will deliver that wide hook to his neck, ending this fight. We just have to not give up.
