(unfortunately...) i've come into a bit of free time, and maybe God wants me to pick my blog back up again. you see, my wonderful job of 2+ years, a job i not only loved doing but i did well, a job that paid my bills and then some... it was a contract job, and due to some weird company policy, they don't extend contracts past 2yrs.

believe me when i tell you that this wasn't a "personal thing" - i did my job well, i got along well with my team and my colleagues, my boss wanted to hire me on as a full-time employee by my first year but couldn't because the "team was full". but if someone leaves, the job is mine!!

what makes this worse... there's someone on my team whose retiring... in 2022!!!! you'd think... "hey! someone's-leaving-our-team-soon!!! maybe we should keep cecil around since we're going to need him when this other guy retires?!?!?"

alas... no...

i know!!! i hit two years at the beginning of this past october, and my old manager got some exec to extend me out until the end of 2021.

i know!!! I don't know "why" but it's even more weird, huh?

now... when things that don't make any sense (but should)... or when things appear to be something that can be oh-so easily fixed (but remained "unfixed"...), it screams God.

God is the Creator of the heavens & the earth... the Alpha & the Omega... He has been here before anything was here, and will still be here long after everything's gone. all of this AND He cares about me!!!

this... i know! He has blessed my family and me all throughout my life... unfortunately, it took so many years for me to "get on board":

truly get to know God,

acknowledge His Hand in every aspect of my life,

thank Him for everything He's done to bless/correct/love/support me and my son...

but also for the things He hasn't done (like some specific job, money or woman, or other selfish request that would've drawn me away from Him...)

Everything happens for a reason...

as a former control-freak (well, less of one now), God has reprogrammed me to not only know this... but to rely upon it! and i am trying to sincerely thank God for the job that is on it's way! yes, i mean it! (i will go more into my "career" over the next couple of days, but...) i am only doing what i do, working for whom i've been working for... because of Him! (hopefully, you'll understand this in more detail in time...) He was the reason i got my last "dream job"! (and yes, it was the dreamiest job i've ever had!) i was only the tool, moved by His Hand! He did it because He loves me, and will do it again - this i know!

and yet, why is it so hard to wait? patiently? why am i fending off depression bc i have no where to go, monday through friday, 8am to 5pm? if God loves me, has provided for me, will continue to provide for me... why do i feel "less"?

i feel like a hypocrite... or like i've let down God... or have less faith in Him bc of my worrying... worrying about something i have little control over.

Yes... i am applying to every job that fits my skillset!

Yes...i've thankfully applied for unemployment

Yes... i have a "full-time job" right now, taking online courses to help strengthen my resume & skillset.

Yes... i'm not angry at anyone, especially God, for what's happened

Yes... i am lifting God up high because i swore that i would praise His Name in the sun, and during the storm... (and this is just a sprinkle, right?!?)

and yet i flip-flop. one second is strong & faithful, only for it to lead to a moment of worry and dread. my friends have told me that it's because i'm only human... imperfect. and then follow it up with how God never let me lose my home, go to bed on an empty stomach... i always had "the necessities". He made it so my son only knows of a comfortable life.. not "posh", but certainly comfortable... and i am grateful for the extra 3 months in my contract!

so what's my deal?!?