I think that it’s interesting as to how you can be riding high one day, and with the snap of some fingers, you’re low, riddled with thought\grief\frustration. As I’ve shared in the past, my "go to emotion" is anger. Although I’ve done a a lot to learn more about myself, my emotions and my control over both has most definitely improved, I find that I still fall back upon anger (well, maybe it’s "obvious frustration") when things don’t make sense… When God is trying to teach me something but I just don’t get it… When something is supposed to "work" but doesn’t…

This week was interesting because I had a plan Sunday morning - I had a plan to gently "confront" people with whom I "feel" as if things may seem uncomfortable between us. I can’t shut my mind off - I notice things and it just resonates within me. Tones, inflections, body language, eye contact (or the lack of)… My mind is on constant alert and I wish I could just shut if off at times. Anyhow, I was going to approach some people whom I’ve known for some time, people who I respect, people I have no issue with whatsoever and yet, we don’t seem to have much of a relationship. I can see them happy & talkative with everyone around me, and yet I also notice that all we ever do is "hug, hi and then bye". No conversation, but quick interaction filled with forced smiles. All I was going to do was simply walk up to them, do our usual, and then not immediately let go we were going to have a conversation (I’m open to any topic or subject matter). I was going to drastically drag out the time between "hi" and "bye". My intent was nothing hostile or ill-willed, and yet maybe there was something wrong with my plan because most of the people with whom I wanted to "check up with", weren’t there - either they went to another service, or they were in Kid’s Kingdom. I’m going to assume that God was against this plan…

I walked into church to enjoy our time w\God, enthusiastically sing w\the choir, to rev people up for God, and draw close to God… I was excited for Church! And when my "plan" kinda' fell thru..., when the sermon was impactful, but not in a "happy" kind of way,… I walked into the building with the intent of improving relationships. But those people weren’t there. And the sermon was conflicting (not in a bad way) - It hit me hard, exposing a lot of the obvious ugliness within me.

The sermon was about "being on the vine" - God is the Gardener, He prunes so that the vine can be more fruitful, He is so good that He touches every vine (that was cool to hear)(and scary), and that we are to produce "love". It was a very impactful sermon, and yet I felt conflicted because altho I agreed with what was said, I was left seeing my unfruitfulness. My ugly - my "unapproachableness", my "judgement", my anger, my insecurities…

I guess the worst part of all of this "conflict" feeling is, I walked in with the loving intent to improve relationships with people I cared about but felt as if the relationship itself was "surfacey". Why "surfacey"? Could it be because I am not producing love?

I have to be honest, I’m not a fan of where I am right now. No one likes to learn when they’re failing at something, or the ugliness that truly lies within each of us. It’s great that it’s happening because it’s the first step towards improvement… but it’s getting thru that first step that makes this incredibly difficult. For me, I am stuck seeing my failure at being "approachable", this converts into me being my reflection thru a truly realistic mirror… Which leads to my headspace about friendships… and then why I’m still single. But in the end, I am trying to figure this out all on my own. Although I am saying "Ok God, what are you trying to show me?", I am trying to find the answers myself.

I listened to the first half of a podcast, and someone was preaching about how he’s learning to ride his bike with his father. His dad is holding onto the handlebars so he can begin to develop his balance. And the y started to come up to a house where some girls were sitting on their front porch. So he tells his dad, "Dad! I got this!!", motioning to let his dad go of the handlebars. Well, you know what happens - the boy goes endo and learns that he’s not ready to go solo. The podcast then goes on to say, "isn’t that what we do? We Tell God that "WE GOT THIS!" And motion Him to let go of our handlebars… only for us to crash because we’re not ready. I feel as if I’m doing this with God right now.

All of the thinking & reflecting and yet, I’m trying to figure this out on my own. When I should just let God reveal it to me.

God didn’t "introduce Himself" to us only so we can become Christians. Coming to Him is only the beginning of His good work in each of us.

God has incredible things lined up for each of us… He’s going to take us to places we have never been to before… Unwanted places.

It’s in these sacred places, God reveals the weakness of our hearts, so we learn not to depend upon ourselves. And as we lose balance on the bike that we think we can ride by ourselves, we discover the joy of our weakness in His strength… A strength that has carried us all along.

God allows things to happen to develop our spiritual lives. Where the world may see God as a sadist watching our struggles, He has loved us this entire time in spite of each of us.

God allows each of us:

(You all know that this is true. How many times have we struggled with something, arguing with God, only to learn how He’s helping us with it, and then see how we can help others who struggle with the same problem?)

God allows this process to happen because when we surrender, we become more like Jesus - We become all that He created us to be.

The title of this post is somewhat truthful - I am struggling against God because of what’s before my eyes and In my heart, and I’m not liking it. I am in an uncomfortable place, a place that seems as if there is no way to from (my perspective), but that just shows you where I’m putting my faith - Not in Him.

What is your uncomfortable place? Where is you faith when God takes you there? What do you do when your faith is not entirely in Him? Im not asking for you to reflect, but to also get some advice.