Friendships.

When God wants to bless you, He sends people into your life!

When the devil wants to destroy you, he sends people into your life!

I don't know about you, but there are people who are amazing because they are positive & encouraging. They're awesome to be around, prop you up when you're down, and are real and vulnerable when they are struggling. They give as much as they take. And then there are those who seem to only be in it for themselves. There are people who will give you the shirt off eir back, and others who are only happy when you're doing this for them. Some relationships are assets, while others are liabilities (sorry, but let's be real here) There is nothing we can do to avoid this - People are just people. But we need to understand that, to develop healthy relationships, we'll need to cut off unhealthy ones. And even in God's kingdom, both will happen.

Note: This isn't a "you're great, people suck" type of post. This is written in the context that the reader themselves are open, honest & vulnerable to not only their own issues, but the ones around them as well. "Resolving matters" isn't about winning the argument, but about obtaining a healthy end to whatever's out of place between you & the other person. This post is to be read as if you are the "toxic one" in a relationship, so we can learn to grow out of our current selves, and more into how God sees us.

If a friendship is riddled with strife & division, then that may be the first indicator.

Healthy relationships share a oneness in goals, purpose, values, & beliefs.

Disorder is synonymous with "unstable". When a relationship is in disorder, it is out of control.

When we get out of line with God & how He has designed things to work, we open ourselves to the devil.

Something that I've been guilty of is holding people to their past. Unfortunately, this is one of the most dangerous. When Jesus went back to His hometown to teach them, the people were astonished. But they were also offended:

Jesus couldn't even perform miracles in that town because of their lack of belief.

Even today, bad associations can drag us down, and hold us back. They can keep you from fulfilling your potential.

Now, don't get me wrong. Although no relationship is "struggle-free", I'm not saying that we should walk away from "God-ordained" relationships, like parent, child or spouse. I'm talking about friendships & associations & acquaintances who remind you of what people used to think about you. God's opinion matters to "today" and "tomorrow" - These type of people only relate to "yesterday".

There may be relationships that prey upon your heart & rob you of your control over your life. On paper, we never want to allow anyone control over us, or the ability to manipulate us in any way. God is the only person who deserves that kind of "control". But in reality, we may have a relationship or two where this might be happening. No one can make you lose your mind, rob you of your joy or temper, unless you give them the power to do so.

We need to be aware of our downfalls & insecurities, because there are people who will tell us what we need to hear (or are even desperate to hear), all in an effort for them to get what they want from us. These people take advantage of "our needs" in life, especially the need to be loved & accepted. They aren't concerned with our blessing or meaning in God's Plan. They're simply takers, and not givers.

It's sad to be this "precautious", but we must be weary of "friends" who seem to "take" much more than they "give". A healthy relationship is one where there is a balance in giving & taking. one where there is a mutual appreciation for one another, where honest words of appreciation are used without a hint of manipulation.

When you find an unhealthy relationship, what do you do next to remove it from your life? (or live with it but with stronger boundaries)

The first step is acceptance (cheesy but true). This is the time when you need to sit back, and accept the simple fact that this relationship just isn't working. All of your efforts in helping & finding healthy avenues in handling things, have failed. This is when you need to give this person over to God, and not give up on them. Giving up on someone is to walk away & say "I don't care what happens to you." But giving a person over to God is to walk away, saying "I've done all that I can do... Now, i'm entrusting you to God from this point on."

Giving someone to God releases you from your own heart, to the One who can truly help\heal this person... who will never fail this person... Who is totally qualified to counsel & guide this person. I have met (and have been) people who have constantly asked for help over the same thing, over & over & over... only to ignore the advice from friends who actually had something that would've helped, only if my heart & head were truly open. People like this can be draining. (there, I said it) These people may seem like they want your help, but in the end, do not - they want your association more than your assistance.

Enabling. Don't try to be "God" to people. There is a huge difference between helping someone, and carrying someone. The success of failures of people should only matter most to that respective person, and not you.

Accept the fact that we are all imperfect. When you have decided to label a relationship as "unhealthy", this will probably not go well with the other party. And they may be sore about it. You just have to remember that you're taking the higher ground here, not only for yourself, but for them as well, and that no one can please everyone every time, everywhere. You just need to be brave enough to say "This relationship isn't helping you or me. It's just not healthy. We need to take a step back from it." I know that it sounds extreme, but sometimes, we need to recalibrate friendships because they may draw us away from God.becoming quick on "

In the end, we need to trust that God will help you recognize relationships that are becoming unhealthy. Also trust Him for the wisdom, humility & courage to try and "correct" it. But also trust in God the strength to step back from those relationships, when it needs to be left with Him. Trust Him to give you a stronger jaw when criticism starts to fly at you because of the change in the relationship.

The problem I currently face is the obvious knowledge of what's healthy & unhealthy in relationships. (Don't get me wrong - I've been a frequent flier on the unhealthy side so...) I've noticed 2 or 3 close & valued friendships where they may not have been as healthy as we both may have thought. This in a span of a year!! Many times I had struggled with "this can't be 'them', this must be a 'me' problem!" or "I'm just becoming quick on 'downgrading' people I don't like, huh?!?" I have thought & prayed about this hard & often. But the situation doesn't change - these friendships either don't have healthy responses, or I feel like I have to talk them off the "ledge of frustration" (that the conversation apparently brings) before we can talk about the REAL matter. One close friend simply put up her walls even higher, where I stil don't think that we covered the REAL problem on what happened.

The conclusion to all of these relationships has been emotionally draining. I want "valued friendships". I am not a subscriber to "some people are only here for a moment". I subscribe to "if we've invested time & effort into our friendship, then it should last".

I am overwhelmed by the loss - these were relationships to people I trusted & respected. But I needed to look at my current relationships and say "All of my relationships please God. All of my relationships are ones where there is a mutual give & take, a mutual blessing. We share a common belief in values & goals."

Dont burn bridges.

When you take a step back from an unhealthy relationship, don't do it with anger or bitterness. (I still struggle with bitterness). You need to step back without words of criticism or anger or placing blame. You may just have to walk away from that relationship, knowing full well that you won't ever return to it ever again. You will literally have to leave it with God. You will need to make a clean & definitive break.

There may come a moment when someone comes to you to break off a relationship. You just need to allow that break to happen. There is no point in trying to "mend a fence" when it's a 12ft high stone wall. Move forward and try to not look back. When you begin to question "Is this the right thing?" you second guess today. You become hesitant about tomorrow. When you look back, you may miss what God has next for you.

As difficult as this may be, don't look at what might have been, should have been, or could have been Look at what is still to be. Go to the ones who will celebrate with you - why waste time trying to get attention, or win the affection, of people who may simply not care about you? Why put in any effort to go where people merely tolerate you but don't celebrate you?

I have been on the both ends of this scenario. And just because I am writing this does not mean that I have reached a level of psychological maturity, or maturity in any other sense. I am not "guilt-free" in any situation, even with the loss of my close-friends. I am not an innocent victim, or some guru in any sense. I just know that unhealthy relationships should be on our radar, because the devil knows best on how to take us down. For me, it was through friendships. I forsake God when I unknowingly catered to them, argued with them, tried to to win them back, resolve issues in a healthy way with them, and look back in awe & regret from them. I had grown to learn a more realistic sense of what I have to offer, but only see people "walk away". It was definitely a hit to my growth, but a much needed one. Sometimes, when a person grows & changes, their friends may not like that change.

All you can do is find the people who are starving for what you have to offer. Find the people who want who you are, what you give, and what you celebrate.